I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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