3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
