I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize