Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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