I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
