I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
