Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize