every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
