Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
