Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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