Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
