so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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