I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
