How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
