Need sex. Gaining weight.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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