Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
