Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
