my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i dont even know how to be here
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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