Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
