Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
