hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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