So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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