My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
where are my eyebrows?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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