Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
