i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im holly from the hills drunk
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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