You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just invented taco cereal.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
