Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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