I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
