Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
