Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Terrible idea I love it
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
