i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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