Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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