Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
