I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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