Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
