That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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