so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
