oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's never too late to be topless.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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