i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
