I wish I could teleport
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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