I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
