Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
