so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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