How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
how drunk are you?
Several
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
