I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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