i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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