1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im holly from the hills drunk
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
