You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
