Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize