peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
