you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
