after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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