You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
