Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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