Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
