I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
