Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
