I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I know her cup size but not her name....
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