I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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