yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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