Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
